Today’s thankful: It wasn’t permanently attached

Youngest came into the kitchen while I was doing dishes the other night. She was talking funny, and the mom in me worried that she might be having a stroke. I was able to understand her somewhat garbled speech enough to hear, “Hey, Mom! Look! I have a tongue ring.” In the split second between her uttering that sentence and the moment she stuck out her tongue, my heart stopped a little because she is only seven and I wondered who I was going to have to kill for maiming my baby. Then I saw her tongue. She had put a finger ring around her tongue, not through it. She is trying to kill me. I am more than a little thankful that her ring wasn’t meant for a tongue.

Today’s thankful: She does have a brain and the ability to think

I was having a conversation with Middlest about the latest episode of Duck Dynasty and how Miss Kay was sharing with the grandkids about how she conceived their daddy. The kids were as horrified as you would imagine, and we were laughing about it. Then Youngest asked what conceived meant. I told her, then continued my conversation with Middlest. As many of our conversations do, this one spiraled to the eventual place of me saying how wrong it is to name your kids after where they were conceived. At that point, Youngest said, “like vagina?” After I got done laughing, I told her I was thinking more like Toyota or Dallas. Strictly speaking, though, she was dead on. She may not always get it right, but that girl is a thinker.

Today’s thankful: She didn’t really mean it

I was going through Youngest’s Friday folder and looking through her school papers for the week. They have been doing clubhouse activities lately and had to write about their own dream clubhouse. I always enjoy reading what my babies write, but this one gave me a start. See if you can spot the thing that freaked me the eff out. Youngest’s clubhouse is “huge, sparkily and pink.” No surprise there. Further down the page, “My clubhouse has a chocololite fountin, pizza parlor, plazma grinade, pool, diving board. . .” As my brain screeched to a halt, I silently gathered my wits and asked my tiny girl why she wanted a plasma grenade, because I don’t want to be one of those clueless parents who has no idea her kid is a wacko. Also, and here is the biggie, I had her tested and they said she was fine! Fine people do not want to have plasma grenades anywhere, let alone in their pink sparkly clubhouse! Or maybe they do. I don’t know anymore. Thankfully, she didn’t mean plasma grenade. She meant plasma TV. I cannot even begin to express the magnitude of my relief.

Today’s thankful: No batteries were required

Youngest asked if she could help me cook dinner last night, and because I was peeling potatoes and wanted to eat before bedtime, I told her that I needed to do it myself. Ordinarily, I let her help cook when she asks, but I in a weakened state from the hunger. She squawked a little, then left the kitchen, only to return to play underneath my feet. I miss that girl during the day, so I let her stay. I was extremely pleased when I actually looked at what she was doing, because there were no electronics involved and she was using her imagination. She had fashioned a bowling game out of things she had found around the house. Her “pins” included two bottles of glue, a plastic toothbrush holder, an empty vitamin bottle, spice container, and water bottle. None of the balls in her vast supply provided enough of a challenge, though, and she eventually wound up using the severed head of a baby doll. That’s not sick at all. Right?

Today’s thankful: That wasn’t my weirdo in the bathroom

Youngest came home from school and shared this story. I have changed the names to protect the innocent little freaks. Youngest’s class (second grade) was using the restroom facilities at the same time as their book buddies (kindergarten). She witnessed one of the little buddies walk up to her teacher and say, “Ms.Teacher, Megan is licking the mirror.” That information prompted Ms. Teacher to hightail it into the bathroom. I cannot put into words how thankful I am that the mirror licker was not my daughter. In fact, not only did she not lick the mirror, Youngest wondered aloud why anyone would lick a mirror. Perhaps Megan thought she looked delicious.

AR, popcorn, and root beer floats

Let me just put this out here. I hate Accelerated Reader. I know it has many uses and I applaud it as a way to check a child’s reading comprehension, but I still don’t like it. I haven’t been a fan of AR for many reasons, not the least of which is Middlest, who refused to read any book that didn’t have an available AR test so she could get the points. She missed out on some good stories because of it. Eldest had a friend who would miss enough points on the AR test to stay at the reading level she chose to be at instead of what she was capable of, because the teachers wouldn’t let her read what she liked because the AR level was too low. Since I will read just about anything with words, it broke my heart to see a child denied a book she wanted to read. Fast forward 15 years and Youngest is coming home upset about missing her AR goal and not being allowed to attend the popcorn party. If AR was a person, I would slap that bitch into next week. But because AR inanimate, I was forced to higher ground. I my girl her not to worry about it and promised to pack popcorn in her lunch the day of the popcorn party. She is seven, and that promise was enough move her thoughts to more pleasant things, like who got in trouble at school and no, it wasn’t her today. Youngest wasn’t sure when the popcorn party would be, so I packed popcorn in her lunch two days in a row. I am awesome like that. Anyway, yesterday was the popcorn party, which she did not attend. All would have been well in my kingdom, complete with singing and dancing with unicorns, but the popcorn machine was broken. The teacher substituted root beer floats for popcorn. I don’t have any idea how she pulled root beer and ice cream out of her hind end or how to pack vanilla ice cream in a lunchbox. So upset was Youngest by the root beer floats and attendant gloating by her peers, we have scheduled a trip after school tonight to the grocery for ice cream and red pop. I was able to convince her that red pop makes a way better float than root beer, because I like it better, and she agreed. I probably should have encouraged her to try harder to make her goal next time, but I wouldn’t want her to think I had been abducted and had an alien robot put in my place.

Today's thankful: She didn't lick the tires

It was snowing those big, fluffy flakes a few days ago when I went to pick up Tiny Person after school. She got so excited that she licked one off of the car. And then came more words I never imagined I would need to utter: Don't lick the car! She didn't understand why I was so grossed out, given that the snowflake in question was freshly fallen from the sky and therefore not yellow. I guess I should just be thankful that she didn't lick it off of the tire.

Today’s thankful: I woke up in the middle of the night and washed Tiny Person’s hair

I have had a rule in place for the past dozen or so years that there are only a few reasons to wake mommy. If one is bleeding, vomiting or otherwise in physical distress, they may wake me. I know this rule sounds harsh, but both Eldest and Middlest inherited their dad’s insomnia. They were fond, as little girls, to wake me to let me know they couldn’t sleep. I am a good sleeper, hence the rule. Over the years, they have awoken me on numerous occasions, all valid. So about a month ago, Eldest woke me up to let me know there was something that resembled paint in Youngest’s hair. When I didn’t respond with much more than a sleepy grunt, Eldest became more adamant that I get up. She has always been great at following the don’t wake mommy rule, so I paid attention to her second attempt. I am SO glad I did. I went into the bathroom to find Youngest with something that looked like lumpy paint with sparkles and some sort of grease in her hair. I tossed her into the tub and washed whatever it was out of her hair. She refused to say what the substance was for about four days. The incessant nagging by her sister finally forced the information out of her. She had mixed old nail polish, powder blush and hand lotion. I have no idea where she got the nail polish, but she has been banned from paint of any kind for a while.

Today’s thankful: I don’t need to take a class -- again

Youngest was less than pleased with the food I presented to her highness for lunch. After the food battle over six bites of broccoli and homemade mac and cheese ensued. About an hour after she finished her last bite, she asked me if there was a class you could take to make sure you don’t kill anyone with your cooking. Well, there kind of is, but I have already taken and passed it. Instead of admitting to her that there is such a class, I opted instead to remind her that I haven’t managed to kill her with my cooking yet and don’t plan to start now.

Today’s thankful: It did not, did not hit the trash

My title today is in honor of the fabulous Ted Geisel’s birthday. He is and has always been my favorite poet. Now, on to my little thankful. Last night as I was struggling to get Youngest to pack up her backpack after homework, Spouse intervened and told her to pack up and put her backpack where it belonged. She said, “It doesn’t have a special place.” Totally not true, but she tried. He responded with, “You had better go find it a special place then.” Because I know tiny person so well, I took off in hot pursuit as she headed out of our bedroom, through the family room and into the kitchen. She didn’t realize I was behind her, and when I said, “You had better not throw that in the trash.” She jumped like she had been shot, dropped the backpack, then grabbed it up and took it to her room. I just can’t hardly wait until she goes through her tweens.

Today’s thankful: Baby’s blue eyes are fine

Youngest came out of her room and informed me that she couldn’t go to school because her right eye suddenly was unable to detect the color red. I pointed to a red object and asked her what color it was and she said, “white.” Then she said, “Oh, no! Now I can’t see green!” Again, I asked what color a green item was and she said, “white.” At that point, I told her that being color blind wouldn’t keep her out of school. Middlest informed her that one is born with color blindness and that it is more common in boys than girls. Youngest stuck like glue to her story. Then Middlest asked what color a pink item was and Youngest said, “pink.” Middlest informed her that pink is a shade of red and if she were really color blind to red, it was unlikely that she would be able to see pink either. At that point, realizing her story was dying a slow death from all the holes her sister had poked in it, rubbed her eye and said, “Hey! The colors are starting to come back into my eye!”

It is possible I should have gone with her color blind story, though. Today on the playground she tried to twist the ear off of a boy at recess because he made her mad. I guess I am thankful she didn’t accomplish that particular task.

Today’s thankful: She didn’t say it in front of a minister

Youngest and I were in the car the other afternoon and she said, “I know why Christmas is called Christmas. Because Santa’s other name is Kris Kringle.” Really? Wow. So anyway, after a few mom questions, I figured out that she knew we celebrated Jesus’ birth at Christmas, but she had no idea that Jesus and Christ were the same dude. Perhaps I should add that particular curse to my vocabulary so she’ll know.

When I was about three, in Sunday school one day, we were being rowdy. The minister happened into the room and said, “Boys and girls, settle down. You are in the house of Jesus Christ.” While my mom watched, horrified, from behind the two-way mirror, I wrapped myself around the minister’s leg and kept shouting, “My mommy says bad words too!” To make it even better, my mom never used that curse phrase. It was one of my Catholic dad’s faves, though.

Today’s thankful: She didn’t mention chopping

Youngest always says that I am the one making her late for school in the morning, even though she is the one lying in bed not getting dressed. Her dad thinks it is pretty entertaining. A few days ago he asked her if mommy was making her late again. She responded in the affirmative. He then asked her what they should do with me. She said, “We could throw her in a dumpster.” He, of course, quashed that idea. I found myself not being upset about the dumpster, but really, really thankful that she didn’t suggest chopping me up before putting me in the dumpster.

Today’s thankful: I survived chaperoning band kids for a week

I got back last week from a trip to California where I chaperoned band kids. We had an awesome week. There were many thankfuls, some bigger than others. Our itinerary was packed, and the time allotted for sleeping was usually under four hours. My thankfuls for the week, in no particular order:
We returned with the same number of children with which we left.
We didn’t lose any of the kids when the tour guide ditched us gave us free time in Los Angeles.
None of the children were caught in flagrante delicto.
There was breakfast meat most of the days.
Most of the puking was due to air sickness, anxiety or dehydration instead of a virus or booze.
Everyone seemed to have a great time.
Everywhere we went, adults commented on how well behaved and polite our kids were.
I got to share the teacup ride with my baby girl.
My roomies were awesome and didn’t smother me in my sleep for snoring.
Each and every one of the kids marched in full uniform in the parade. This means we managed to get 275 uniforms across the country without losing a shoe or glove.
All of the children who started the parade made it the full five miles in the heat.
Neither the sugar in the bed incident nor the toilet papering the room, nor the late night pizza delivery were my problems to deal with.

Today’s thankful: The possibility remains that she wasn’t serious

Last night as I was trying to get Youngest to go to bed, I noticed something yellow-green and slimy in her mouth. I said, “Is that snot in your mouth?” She told me that it wasn’t snot, but was something she coughed up. I informed her that it was still mucous and somewhat disgusting. Obviously unwilling to give up her prize, she said, “But I like the way it tastes.” I am choosing to hope she was just trying to gross me out and doesn’t really enjoy the taste of her snot.

Today’s thankful: I am not “the elderly” yet

In the car this afternoon, I heard Youngest open the bag of Twizzlers we had purchased that she decided to keep in the car for emergency snacks. I asked her if I could have one. She handed one over, then said, “It is a good thing you aren’t elderly. The elderly aren’t allowed to have candy or chocolate.” I sure hope that rule changes before I get elderly.

Today's thankful: I haven't had to yell yet

The girls and I put up our Christmas tree this afternoon. The final part of this tradition has always been to get the cheap, old nativity out and put it under the tree for the kids to play with. When Youngest was tiny, I had to repeatedly yell, "Get Jesus out of the Christmas tree!" So far this year, I haven't had to yell. Of course, Jesus has only been out of the box for about two hours, so there is still plenty of time for him to get in some extreme downhill skiing before the big day.

Today’s thankful: Youngest is able to think outside the box a little

We were watching “60 Minutes” last night. There was a segment about homeless families in Florida. One of the families they talked to consisted of a dad, 15-year-old daughter and 13-year-old son. The dad used his last $1,000 and bought a panel truck, which the family had been living in for the past five months. Youngest watched with us, then during the commercial break turned to me and said, “that dad was really stupid to spend their last thousand dollars on a truck.” I asked her what else he should have done with the money. She said he should have spent the money on a hotel. When I pointed out that the money would have bought a few weeks in a hotel and they had been living in the truck for about 20 weeks, she decided that maybe he had made the best decision. She then paused a few moments and said, “you know what else they could do? They could go to the ocean and catch some fish. Then they could bury the fish and grow corn.” I’m not sure where she got the idea that corn grows from fish, but I like the way she thinks.

Today’s thankful: I caught her in time

My sister and I went to Barnes & Noble this afternoon after I picked Youngest up from school. As we usually do when the tiny person accompanies us to B&N, we got our beverages and headed to the children’s section. While we were sitting at the tiny table watching Youngest, she informed me that she had to go to the bathroom. I took her, because the one time I let her go to a public restroom by herself, she dropped a deuce. The deuce dropping incident wouldn’t have been a problem, but she is so tiny, the automatic toilet flushed early, which scared her, causing her to jump off the potty and let the last nugget of deuce hit the floor. Since I wasn’t in there with her, the nugget stayed on the floor for the custodians to clean up. I still feel badly about that.
Anyway, on our way to the restroom, there was a dark spot on the carpet at the entrance to the restroom hallway. I commented that it looked like someone had peed on the floor. Yeah. I can see now I shouldn’t have said it. Youngest didn’t seem to notice and ran on into the restroom and took care of business. As we were leaving the hall, though, she dropped to her hands and knees right next to the spot. Fortunately, I realized what she was doing quickly enough and yelled at her to stop. Upon rising, she said, “Oh, man! I didn’t even get to smell it.”

Today’s thankful: Punishment doesn’t have to be boring

In Wednesday’s agenda, the teacher had written that I should see the attached note. There was no note attached. When I mentioned the missing note to Youngest, she informed me that she had chased down and tackled a boy on the playground and got in trouble. I asked her why she did it and was told he made her mad. I asked what happened next and she said nothing. Apparently, she wasn’t actually punished for the tackle. I noted to the teacher that I didn’t get an attached note. I did, however, get a phone call after school today.
First, I feel it necessary to note that in Eldest and Middlest’s collective 23 years of school, I have NEVER received a phone call from a teacher. When Eldest figured out with whom I was speaking, she told Youngest to go hide and try to think of a way to save herself.
So the teacher informed me that she talked to Youngest about appropriate ways to express one’s anger. She then informed Youngest that there are many other ways besides notes for teachers to communicate with parents. Hence, the phone call.
I am now trying to come up with a good punishment. She is in her room worrying about the fact that I am going to discuss her misbehavior with Daddy before we make a decision as to her punishment. Yeah, that IS part of the punishment. Shh! Don’t tell.