Peacock's Ass

Back in the eighties when hair was big and my brain was decidedly teenaged and small, every time I would emerge from the cloud of hairspray that hung like death in the bathroom my dad would exclaim, "Oooh, pretty! Now let's see the peacock's ass."

The first time it happened, I just stood there wondering if he was having a stroke until he explained that peacocks are beautiful when they spread their feathers, but most people have never seen what a peacock's rear end looks like when they make their fabulous display. Imagine how stunned I was that a) my dad was RIGHT about something and b) the back of my hair looked terrible!

I fixed my peacock's ass that day, and every day since. My children have been taught to check their own peacock's ass because, you know, great wisdom must be shared. Due to something that happened at work today, I feel it is time to let the guys in on the big secret.

I was walking down the hall behind a male colleague, and noticed that his hair made him resemble a Royal penguin.

I have no idea what the front looked like, but we warned. Guys need to check their peacock's asses too.

Today’s thankful: That guy wasn’t my son

While attending a graduation ceremony recently, I saw something that I have never before seen. The student was a vet tech student, maybe in his late twenties. He had on a Batman cape over his gown, which honestly didn’t strike me as all that odd. Then when he walked past me up close, I noticed that he was wearing a small fleece pouch around his neck and cradling it as if there was something live in it. Again, as he was a vet tech, I assumed he was nursing a sick or wounded baby something or other back to health. I asked Eldest about it after the ceremony. She told me that the thing in his pouch was a sugar glider.
According to sugarglider.com, a sugar glider is a small nocturnal marsupial native to Australia and Indonesia. They are awfully cute, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want one for a pet.
Anyway, Eldest informed me that the owner of the sugar glider takes it everywhere with him. I wonder how many cats try to eat it during the course of a regular vet tech day. At any rate, more than being entertained at such an odd pet owner, I was pretty glad the dude wasn’t part of my family.

I can learn new tricks

I took Eldest to a concert in Chicago last weekend. As happened when I took her to see the same band four years ago, I learned a few new things. First, I am completely too old to be in a mosh pit, however tame it is. Second, while it is no longer possible to get a contact high from a concert, it is completely possible to get one in the line outside waiting to get through security. Third, the security pat down I received was a lot friendlier than I ever cared to be with another woman.

I also learned that my darling daughter can handle herself in a crowd. She wound up dragging me around like a pull toy. My only complaint is that while she can squeeze through a six-inch space, I cannot, thus causing me to get stuck like Pooh in a honey tree before being sprung free.

Finally, I learned that there may be a version of the mile high club I have not previously learned about. While standing, literally, pressed against sweaty strangers, I glanced to my right, where Eldest was standing. She motioned me with her eyes to look next to her. There was a couple of kids who may have been 15 or so, and they were having sex. At first I was sure it couldn’t be, but much like a train wreck, I couldn’t look away. I swear on all that is holy, I saw his “O” face. At that point, Eldest looked at me and mouthed, “I feel dirty.” Yah, I did too, but relieved at the same time that it wasn’t my daughter.

Speller's the feller

Have you seen the Jimmy Dean’s commercial where the main focus is a girl in a spelling bee? Reminds me of my spelling bee days. No, I was never one of those kids who could take a credible guess based on the origin of the word, but I did win my class in each of the two years we did it at school and went on to the school-wide bee.

One year, my best friend won her class too, so we were in it together. I should mention that she was in the third grade that year. In the weeks preceding the event, we practiced together often. Did you know that it is easier to remember the spelling of a word if you jump on the bed while spelling it? True.

Anyway, the day of the big event arrived and bestie and I were getting down to the final five or so.  It was her turn, and the word was jewelry. She thought for a few seconds, then said, “Jewelry, G.” That is G for game over. I don’t remember my word, but I went out the next round too. We sure had a good time practicing though.

A few years ago, I was asked to participate in an adult spelling bee. This event was at a local library and instead of competing individually, we competed in teams of three. They would give the word then a few seconds for each team to write the word on a white board. Get it right, get a point. We got second to a team of Baptist women who obviously studied and memorized the entire book. They didn’t miss one the entire day. Kudos to them, but it would have been fun to win.